I used to draw.
I used to write.
I used to play music.
I used to smile.
I used to understand.
I used to be happy,
but now I'm human.
The answers aren't as important to me as the question. I always question the question. So many of you read my various writings on God, or the supernatural and think that Brandon is some sort of super christian or holier than thou and I can see that I am not doing such a great job in communicating what I'm wanting to communicate. Often my writings are produced from things I've gained during the pressure-fight-tension that I face day to day. So I'm going to begin to crack open the vial of Brandon, just so you can know, I am human. From the outside I'm the tree (see: http://www.brandonrichards.com/the-gardener-2 ) that's well maintained, maybe standing out as the model tree. But under the canopy, where the fruit is picked, its an ecosystem of never ending darkness. You can give it any name if you want, but my battle is with depression. I don't know how I got here, or why. I can't put it into an equation or solve it. The only thing I know to do, I don't even have the strength or the will or fight to do anymore... I'm tired... of hearing Bible verses about putting on the garment of praise... of people wanting to fix me... I'm tired of the tail you've pinned on this donkey. I can't just snap out of it. Rejection. Its a terrible thing. Damned be anyone who rejects another person. You have no idea what you're doing. I think people in cliques deserve something bad.My fight began when I was young, literally I fought everyday at least in my mind and often physically. In 1st grade, I would constantly get punished. Sometimes I deserved it, like the time me and a friend stole chalk and wrote every curse word we could think of on the big rocks in the playground -or- the time I was playing kick ball and this guy Edwin always made us lose so one day I cut in to him. I guess I deserved what I got for that. Other times and often, a certain teacher had it out for me- any excuse she could find she'd paddle me. I hated her. Middle school I became a legend, in fact I'm still talked about there today. I didn't do anything spectacular like shoot the winning basket in a basketball game. I didn't kick a field goal to win a football game - but rather, I gushed blood from a mouth wound inflicted by a guy I didn't know who decided one day he'd pick me to show how great he can fight. I bled all over the place and had to have several stitches through my lip and gumline. I almost lost a few teeth. Yes, it hurt- but not as bad as no one standing up for me. I had been assaulted, where was my defender? The other guy got two days off. I was punished the rest of the year. When he came back, he and his friends made game of me. In gym class I became the punching bag of a certain individuals... the every day school bus ride always presented some confrontation. Turn up the other cheek, well I did and it sucked. I bet none of you have. High school was another brick in the wall and it didn't fit.Today I'm 36 and to most I appear to have it figured out, have a beautiful caring wife who I don't deserve, three crazy beautiful girls that look like their mom and now even a dog which probably looks more like me. They are all healthy for the most part. I'm thankful too. I realize it can be worse, but I've never taken the mentality or tried to compare myself against other people to make myself feel better. This also the reason I doubt I will ever travel to a 3rd world nation on a 'mission'. I know the world sucks, I don't need to go there to experience it. Hope is a 4-letter word and I have no change.Lately [my poor wife would say since we've been married] I can't seem to keep it together. The truth is I've been like this since I can remember. I get creative bursts in the work that I do, but then completely overwhelmed by it to the point I can't make myself 'do' anymore- I do often get angry and say things I probably shouldn't. Other times, which is most of the time I just want to sleep and I try... but when I try I just wake up more exhausted than before. The damage I'm causing to my family I'm sorry for, I'm sure they don't understand. I know I don't intend to hurt or damage or take advantage of anyone. I often fight away the bad thoughts of ending it. I don't think I would do that, but I have thought about it. Who hasn't?
